Chiropractic Research

Study after study confirms the success of chiropractic for numerous types of spinal related health complaints. In recent years, numerous independent researchers and various government agencies have conducted studies which focus on the efficacy, appropriateness and cost-effectiveness of chiropractic treatment. Several of these important studies are listed below.

U.S. Government Agency Report. A 1994 sturdy published by the U.S. Agency for Health Care Policy and Research (AHCPR) and the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services endorses spinal manipulation for acute low back pain in adults in its Clinical Practice Guideline #14. An independent multidisciplinary panel of private-sector clinicians and other experts convened and developed specific statements on appropriate health care of acute low back problems in adults. One statement cited, relief of discomfort (low back pain) can be accomplished most safely with spinal manipulation, and/or non-prescriptive medication.

The Manga Report. A major study to assess the most appropriate use of available health care resources was reported in 1993. This was an outcome study funded by the Ontario Ministry of Health and conducted in hopes of sharing information about ways to reduce the incidence of work-related injuries and to address cost-effective ways to rehabilitate disabled and injured workers. The study was conducted by three health economists led by University of Ottawa Professor Pran Manga, Ph.D. The report of his study is commonly called the Manga Report. The Manga Report overwhelmingly supported the efficacy, safety, scientific validity, and cost-effectiveness of chiropractic for low-back pain. Additionally, it found out that higher patient satisfaction levels were associated with chiropractic care than with medical treatment alternatives. "Evidence from Canada and other countries suggests potential savings of hundreds of millions annually," the Manga Report states. "The literature clearly and consistently shows that the major savings from chiropractic management come from fewer and lower costs of auxiliary services, fewer hospitalizations, and a highly significant reduction in chronic problems, as well as in levels and duration of disability."

RAND Study on Low-Back Pain A four-phase study conducted in the early 1990's by RAND, one of America's most prestigious centers for research in public policy, science and technology, explored many indications of low-back pain.

In the RAND studies, an expert panel of researchers, including medical doctors and doctors of chiropractic, found that:

* Chiropractors deliver a substantial amount of health care to the U.S. population.
* Spinal manipulations of benefit to some patients with acute low-back pain.

The RAND reports marked the first time that representatives of the medical community went on record stating that spinal manipulation is an appropriate treatment for certain low-back pain conditions.


The New Zealand Commission Report. A particularly significant study of chiropractic was conducted between 1978-1980 by the New Zealand Commission of Inquiry. In its 377-page report to the House of Representatives, the Commission called its study "probably the most comprehensive and detailed independent examination of chiropractic ever undertaken in any country."

The Commission entered the inquiry with "the general impression ... shared by many in the community: that chiropractic was an unscientific cult, not to be compared with orthodox medical or paramedical services."

By the end of the inquiry, the commission reported itself "irresistibly and with complete unanimity drawn to the conclusion that modern chiropractic is a soundly-based and valuable branch of health care in a specialized area..." Conclusions of the Commission's report, based on investigations in New Zealand, the U.S., Canada, the United Kingdom, and Australia, stated:

* Spinal manual therapy in the hands of a registered chiropractor is safe.

* Spinal manual therapy can be effective in relieving musculo-skeletal symptoms such as back pain, and other symptoms known to respond to such therapy, such as migraine.

* Chiropractors are the only health practitioners who are necessarily equipped by their education and training to carry out spinal manual therapy.

* In the public interest and in the interests of patients, there must be no impediment to full professional cooperation between chiropractors and medical practitioners.

Florida Workers' Compensation Study Florida Workers' Compensation Study. A 1988 study of 10,652 Florida workers' compensation cases was conducted by Steve Wolk, Ph.D., and reported by the Foundation for Chiropractic Education and Research. It was concluded that "a claimant with a back-related injury, when initially treated by a chiropractor versus a medical doctor, is less likely to become temporarily disabled, or if disabled, remains disabled for a shorter period of time; and claimants treated by medical doctors were hospitalized at a much higher rate than claimants treated by chiropractors."

Washington HMO Study In 1989, a survey administered by Daniel C. Cherkin, Ph.D., concluded that patients receiving care from health maintenance organizations (HMO's) within the state of Washington were three times as likely to report satisfaction with care from chiropractors as they were with care from other physicians. The patients were also more likely to believe that their chiropractor was concerned about them.

Utah Workers' Compensation Study. A workers' compensation study conducted in Utah by Kelly B. Jarvis, D.C., Reed B. Phillips, D.C., Ph.D., and Elliot K. Morris, JD, MBA, compared the cost of chiropractic care to the costs of medical care for conditions with identical diagnostic codes. Results were reported in the August 1991 Journal of Occupational Medicine.

The study indicated that costs were significantly higher for medical claims than for chiropractic claims; in addition, the number of work days lost was nearly ten times higher for those who received medical care instead of chiropractic care.

Patient Disability Comparison. A 1992 article in the Journal of Family Practice reported a study by D.C. Cherkin, Ph.D., which compared patients of family physicians was significantly higher (mean 39.7) than for patients managed by chiropractors (mean 10.8)." A related editorial in the same issue referred to risks of complications from lumbar manipulation as being "very low."

Oregon Workers' Compensation Study. A 1991 report on a workers compensation study conducted in Oregon by Joanne Nyiendo, Ph.D., concluded that the median time loss days (per case) for comparable injuries was 9.0 for patients receiving treatment by a doctor of chiropractic and 11.5 for treatment by a medical doctor.

Stano Cost Comparison Study. A study by Miron Stano, Ph.D., reported in the June 1993 Journal of Manipulative and Physiological Therapeutics involved 395,641 patients with neuromusculoskeletal conditions. Results over a two-year period showed that patients who received chiropractic care incurred significantly lower health care costs than did patients treated solely by medical or osteopathic physicians.

Saskatchewan Clinical Research. Following a 1993 study, researchers J. David Cassidy, D.C., Haymo Thiel, D.C., M.S., and W. Kirkaldy-Willis, M.D., of the Back Pain Clinic at the Royal University Hospital in Saskatchewan concluded that "the treatment of lumbar intervertebral disk herniation by side posture manipulation is both safe and effective."

Wight Study on Recurring Headaches. A 1978 study conducted by J.S. Wight, D.C., and reported in the ACA Journal of Chiropractic, indicated that 74.6% of patients with recurring headaches, including migraines, were either cured or experienced reduced headache symptomatology after receiving chiropractic manipulation.

1991 Gallup Poll. A 1991 demographic poll conducted by the Gallup Organization revealed that 90% of chiropractic patients felt their treatment was effective; more than 80% were satisfied with that treatment; and nearly 75% felt most of their expectations had been met during their chiropractic visits.

1990 British Medical Journal Report. A study conducted by T.W. Meade, a medical doctor, and reported in the June 2, 1990, British Medical Journal concluded after two years of patient monitoring, "for patients with low-back pain in whom manipulation is not contraindicated, chiropractic almost certainly confers worthwhile, long-term benefit in comparison with hospital outpatient management."

Virginia Comparative Study. A 1992 study conducted by L.G. Schifrin, Ph.D., provided an economist assessment of mandated health insurance coverage for chiropractic treatment within the Commonwealth of Virginia. As reported by the College of William and Mary, and the Medical College of Virginia, the study indicated that chiropractic provides therapeutic benefits at economical costs. The report also recommended that chiropractic be widely available form of health care.

1992 America Health Policy Report. A 1992 review of data from over 2,000,000 users of chiropractic care in the U.S., reported in the Journal of American Health Policy, stated that "chiropractic users tend to have substantially lower health care costs," and "chiropractic care reduces the use of both physician and hospital care."

1985 University of Saskatchewan Study. In 1985 the University of Saskatchewan conducted a study of 283 patients "who had not responded to previous conservative or operative treatment" and who were initially classified as totally disabled. The study revealed that "81% ... became symptom free or achieved a state of mild intermittent pain with no work restrictions" after daily spinal manipulations were administered.

RAND Corporation Study

- Chiropractic Care Appropriate for Low Back Pain. A Two- year, multi-disciplinary study still in progress has already issued reports that validate the assertion that spinal manipulation is an appropriate option for low back pain.

This Project aims to provide a comprehensive set of indications for performing spinal manipulation for persons with low back pain. The project, which will take several million dollars and years to complete, is being conducted by the RAND Corporation, a non-profit private corporation in Santa Monica, California, one of Americas most prestigious centers for research. Which conducts research and development for the US. Government and the private sector and commands international respect. The project is being directed by two medical doctors, Robert Brook, MD., and Paul Shekelle, MD., and involves two expert panels of clinicians and researchers to assess the clinical consensus on the appropriateness of spinal manipulation for more than 1,600 patients with low back pain condition. Initial results of the study are:

Acute and sub-acute mechanical back pain patients given spinal manipulation achieve better early results than patients given common medical treatments (bed rest, medication, traction, corsets).

* 50% of the patients treated by manipulation were free of pain after one week, compared to 27% treated with bed rest.

* Manipulation proved better for pain relief than the use of physiotherapy and analgesics.

* Pain was relieved by manipulation in a shorter amount of time(3.5 treatments) than by exercise (5.8 treatments).

* Patients with pain of 2 to 3 weeks duration achieved a 50% reduction in pain more rapidly with manipulation than with mobilization.

* Patients treated by manipulation improved significantly faster than those treated with medicine.

* Manipulation provides earlier relief than other treatments or no treatment.

"The appropriateness of Spinal Manipulation for Low-Back Pain, Report 1: Project Overview and Literature Review, Report 2: Indications and ratings by a Multi-disciplinary Expert Panel," Shekelle et al, RAND Reports R-4025/1 and R-4025/2, August 1991, Santa Monica Ca.

Your Spine: The Vital Connection

Your nervous system is the center of your thoughts, memory, learning, and consciousness. Nerves control muscle tension, blood vessel openings, glandular function, spatial orientation (proprioception), pain, touch, vibration, vision, hearing, taste, temperature, and other senses. Nerves connect your inner and outer worlds!

The nervous system is the "master system". It controls and regulates every other cell, tissue, organ, and system in the body. When the nervous system is functioning normally, it allows all other systems to also function normally.

The nervous system consists of the central nervous system (the brain and spinal cord), and the peripheral nervous system (cranial nerves, spinal nerves, and peripheral nerves of the trunk and extremities). During development, the first thing to develop in the fetus is the brain. The spinal cord is an extension of the brain. Extending from the spinal cord are the spinal nerves. These nerves connect with all tissues, and organs of the body. The brain develops first because it is the source of the body's developmental innate intelligence - the inner wisdom of the body which tells all other tissues how to develop.

This brain-body communication doesn't end with embryological development. Every second of your life, cells are dying and being replaced by new cells. New blood cells, bone cells, liver cells, pancreas cells, skin cells, etc. are in a constant state of replacement.

Cells make up tissues. Tissues make up organs. And organs make up systems. Thus, the health of each system of your body can literally be measured by it's ability to replace old, dying, or dysfunctional cells with new, healthy, functional ones. In order for normal, healthy cellular replication to occur, there must be 100% communication between the source of the body's innate intelligence (the brain), and the involved tissues (in the body). Nerve interference will cause the body to lose it's ability to manage this vital cellular replication.

Nerve tissue is the softest tissue in the body - and is easily injured. The brain is the only organ in the body to be completely encased in bone (the hardest tissue in the body). It is protected by the skull precisely because it is so delicate. At maturity, the bones of the skull are fused together, and cannot move. Thus, the brain is protected at all times.

The spinal cord is also composed of nerve tissue. And like the brain, it is very delicate. The spinal cord is surrounded by 24 freely movable bones called vertebrae. Small openings between the vertebrae allow the spinal nerves to branch out to other areas of the body.

When the vertebrae of the spine are in alignment, the spinal nerves are at maximum function - thus allowing 100% brain-body communication. However, when the vertebrae get misaligned, it creates mechanical pressure on the spinal nerves. This mechanical pressure hinders nervous flow, and the result is nerve interference that leads to dis-ease. Long term nerve interference can lead to symptoms, and disease.

X-Rays

X-rays are ordered because sometimes pain may be due to a hidden, underlying cause. They enable the doctor to actually see the bones, note any malformations or to see pathology. They are a valuble tool, which helps the chiropractor make appropriate choices (such as which technique to use).

The correct diagnosis is half the cure. X-rays are ordered so that the chiropractic physician can make the most accurate diagnosis possible. An accurate diagnosis enables the doctor to prescribe the most appropriate treatment plan, so that the patient can get well.

To see is to know. To not see is to guess. And doctors should not guess with your health. Make sure that you get a complete set of x-rays before you begin your care.

Vertebral Subluxation Complex

The brain stem and spinal cord are the primary pathways for nerve impulses to and from the brain. Messages back and forth through these nerves control the health and function of virtually every other cell, tissue, organ and system of the body.

Nerve tissue is so important, it is protected by bone. The brain is encased by the skull, and the spinal cord is covered by 24 moving bones of the spinal column.

Many everyday things can cause these bones to lose their normal motion or position. This sets off a chain reaction affecting the spinal bones, nerves, muscles, soft tissues and results in degenerative changes throughout the body. Doctors refer to this as the Vertebral Subluxation Complex.

What Is The Vertebral Subluxation?

The vertebral subluxation is the term applied to a vertebra which has lost its normal position and/or motion in relation to neighboring vertebrae. Vertebrae which do not function properly within the spinal framework generate mechanical stress. This accelerates the wear and tear on the surrounding spinal muscles, ligaments, discs, joint and other spinal tissues. Pain, palpatory tenderness, inflammation, decreased spinal mobility, and muscle spasm and hypertonicity will eventually follow.

Additionally, because of the direct mechanical and physiological relationship between the spinal column and the spinal nerve roots, vertebral subluxations as well as other spinal abnormalities have the potential to impair proper nerve functioning. Once nerve functioning is compromised, communication within the body becomes less effective jeopardizing the overall health and wellness of the individual.

What Is The Vertebral Subluxation Complex (VSC)?

Through extensive research and study, scientists have identified 5 components of the vertebral subluxation. Collectively, these elements are known as the "subluxation complex.

1. Kinesiopathology – the loss of normal (static) vertebral positioning and (dynamic) motion in relation to neighboring vertebrae. The latter may be due to hypermobile (unstable) vertebrae, or hypomobile (fixated) vertebrae.

2. Myopathology – pathological changes occurring in the spinal muscles. This results in muscle spasm, splinting, weakness, and trigger points.

3. Neuropathology – irritation or injury to spinal nerve roots through compression, stretch or more commonly chemical irritation from nearby spinal structures. This may lead to referred pain, numbness, tingling, inability to perceive sharp vs. dull sensation, inability to perceive hot and/or cold, inability to detect vibration, tickle, or special senses (hearing, vision, taste, smell, touch).

4. Histopathology – pathological changes which occur to the spinal tissues such as abnormal bony growths off the vertebral bodies and joints (such as what is found with arthritis), swelling (edema), fibrosis, scar tissue, & dehydration & decay of intervertebral discs.

5. Pathophysiology – the biochemical changes taking place in the spinal region which include inflammatory biochemicals from injured tissues and biochemical waste products.

Each component of the subluxation must be eliminated for proper healing to occur and for the rehabilitation process to be successful. While full understanding of all components is not necessary, you should be aware of the complexity involved. Patients should also be aware that pain is but a small element of most diseases and disorders. Pain is a very poor indicator of your need for further treatment as pain generally subsides well before tissue healing and mechanical normalization has completed.

What Causes Vertebral Subluxation Complex?

Vertebral subluxations have a great number of different causes all of which the average individual is exposed to daily. These causes can be described in terms of physical, chemical, and emotional causes.

Physical causes include acute trauma to the body (such as from a car accident, or sports injury), repetitive motions affecting the spine, bad postural habits, improper workstation habits and design, and weak or imbalanced spinal musculature.

Chemical causes include poor dietary and nutritional practices, drug and alcohol use and abuse, and the ingestion of chemical toxins in the foods we eat, air we breath, and water we drink. Chemicals which are harmful to the body decrease the body's ability to function optimally and reduce the ability to successfully adapt to and withstand internal and external stresses - making us more susceptible to spinal subluxations and the consequences of these subluxations.

Emotional causes refer to stress. Excessive stress or inadequate stress management skills can deplete the body of the ability to sustain normal functions. The impact of emotional stress on physical health is well documented in the medical research and can have devastating effects on the immune system, making the body susceptible to injury and disease.

How Are Subluxations Corrected?

Doctors of chiropractic learn a number of different chiropractic techniques and procedures to correct vertebral subluxations. Most of the procedures involve the application of a chiropractic spinal adjustment to the affected vertebrae.

Chiropractic adjustments involve the application of a quick but gentle corrective force into the "subluxated" spinal vertebrae. The adjustment can be delivered manually through the hands or can be applied through the use of a specialized tool. Subluxations generally require multiple treatments or adjustments for complete normalization to occur. Similar to straightening teeth, correcting malfunctioning and misaligned vertebrae requires time for the tissues to accept this new position as "normal".

How Can I Tell If I Have A Vertebral Subluxation?

The only accurate way to determine if you suffer from subluxations is to receive a chiropractic evaluation. However, a number of signs and symptoms are commonly associated with the vertebral subluxation and include:

1. neck pain, tenderness, soreness and stiffness
2. back pain, tenderness, soreness and stiffness
3. headaches
4. dizziness or balance problems
5. spinal muscle spasm, tightness or weakness
6. reduced spinal mobility
7. pain, numbness or tingling in the extremities
8. joint pain and stiffness
9. low energy
10. poor overall state of health
11. poor tissue healing

Individuals who are not currently experiencing pain or other discomforts are not necessarily "subluxation free". As previously described, pain is a very poor indicator of disease processes, including the presence of subluxations. Subluxations are similar to cavities in that many times a significant amount of damage is present before symptoms such as pain are felt. This is why we recommend, like your dentist, that individuals seek periodic spinal evaluations to check for the presence of subluxations and other spinal abnormalities, even in the absence of pain.

The Four Essentials of Health

Chiropractic is the philosophy, art, and science of natural health care. It is based on the fact that the body was designed to be healthy, and to keep it's many systems in constant balance. This balance is called "homeostasis". Homeostasis is (essentially) the body's ability to adapt to it's environment (internally and externally). When this occurs, the result is health. But what happens when we cannot achieve balance? When we can no longer adapt to our environment, when we can no longer achieve balance, the result is dys-function, dis-order, and dis-ease. Thus, chiropractic is about restoring normal body function, so that it may once more achieve homeostasis and balance.

Health is something you are given at birth and it should be maintained throughout your lifetime. Unfortunately, we are never taught what we need for health and what specifically needs to be maintained. We are born with a genetic health potential. If we understand what can interfere with that potential we can avoid such interferences and keep it at its highest level. When we buy a brand new car, we get a manual to maintain it. This tells us how to make the car last the longest possible time and run at it's optimum potential with minimal problems. Yet, when children are born, there is no manual in the "glove compartment" to know when to "change the oil, rotate the tires, and get tuned up." In other words, we are not taught what to maintain or how to maintain it. To understand how to obtain our highest optimum health potential, we first have to know what the essentials of health are.
To understand the essentials of health, we need to understand the essentials of life. Many things could come to mind in different categories (physiological, psychological, social, etc.). However, in terms of basic physiological essentials for survival, we can name four. What makes these essential is that if any of them were to stop, you would die. If any of them were interfered with, your health would not be at it's optimum potential.

Food: is the fuel and building blocks for growth and reproduction of cells and tissues. It consists of proteins, fats, and carbohydrates. If any of these were to stop, you would die. If their balance is interfered with, your health potential would not be at it's optimum. For example, if you ate high fat foods (french fries, doughnuts, etc.) what would be the possible condition of your arteries in 10-20 years? If you said more closed with fat, you are probably right! Result - lowered health potential.












Water: 75% of your body is water. It is used in almost every body reaction. If you stop fluid intake, you die. If you drink unhealthy fluids (caffeine, alcohol, pollutions, additives, preservatives, dyes, etc.) or not enough fluids, your body's health potential is decreased.













Oxygen: Oxygen is also used in almost every reaction of the body and is carried by the pulmonary (lungs) and circulatory (blood) systems. Interference to these systems could stop oxygen and result in death. We should exercise and breathe deeply to increase our oxygenation to cells. Researchers say that oxygen deprivation can cause almost anything from fatigue to cancer. If oxygenation is not at it's optimum, neither is your health potential.










Nerve Impulse: Nerve impulse is the most commonly overlooked essential for life and health. Nerve impulse is an electrochemical charge transmitted by the brain through the nervous system to the body. It is the life force that keeps us alive and "charged". All body function is dependant on this life force or brain impulse. Cells must be electrically charged in order to vibrate and function. If your brain stopped (generating these electrical impulses) you would die. In fact, in order to be legally dead, brain impulse must stop. If you severed the nerve to your heart, would it stop? How about your stomach, lungs, or hand? What if you just interfere with the normal nerve transmission? Would these organs and tissue function at their optimum potential?

If we look at our life from the time that we are born until the time we die, the body is in constant motion (even when at rest). The cells of our body are constantly dying and being replaced by new, healthy cells. Two and one-half million cells will die and be replaced every minute of your life. This is a normal process. Health can be defined as the ability of the body to replace the cells and tissue structures normally and consistently. There is an innate intelligence within each of us which creates and recreates us on a continual basis. In order for this process to occur, life force (nerve impulses) must be flowing throughout the body to all cells and tissues. It's medium is the brain and nervous system. The innate intelligence directs this life force to every cell and tissue of the body. When the life force is free of interference, the body is at it's maximum health potential. If the life force is interfered with, the body does not have the ability to recreate itself normally, and dis-ease results.

What Kind of Problems Do Chiropractors Treat?

Chiropractic is the preferred drug-free, non-surgical treatment for a variety of problems affecting the spine and nervous system. These problems can be acute or chronic in nature. These include (but aren't limited to):

• Neck pain and/or stiffness
• Back pain and/or stiffness
• Pain between the shoulder blades
• Tension across the shoulders
• Shoulder problems
• Elbow problems
• Hand & wrist problems
• Carpal Tunnel Syndrome
• Cubital Tunnel Syndrome
• Headaches
• Migraines
• Sacral-Pelvic problems
• Hip problems
• Knee problems
• Foot & ankle problems
• Fibromyalgia
• Trigger Points
• Poor Posture
• Dowger's Hump
• Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
• Disc Herniation
• Arthritis
• Degenerative joint disease
• Degenerative disc disease
• Sciatica
• Scoliosis
• Numbness and/or tinging
• Whiplash
• Sports Injuries
• Work Related Injuries
• Sprain Strains
• Slips and Fall

What Is A Doctor of Chiropractic?

A Doctor of Chiropractic (D.C.), is a physician who specializes in the conservative management of problems affecting the spine and nervous system. Chiropractors help people by finding and removing mechanical pressure on the nervous system - which is a common cause of many health problems.

Today's Doctor of Chiropractic (D.C.) has quite a bit more education than most people realize. All chiropractic colleges require a minimum of three to four years of undergraduate study prior to admission.

The first two years of chiropractic school is virtually identical as the first two years of medical school. In both programs, there is a strong emphasis on the basic sciences - including anatomy, physiology, histology, pathology, biochemistry, microbiology, toxicology, etc.

The last two years of chiropractic school are somewhat different from medical school. In medical school, the student focuses on pharmacology, surgery, obstetrics & gynecology, psychiatry, internal medicine, etc...

During the last two years of chiropractic school, the student focuses on neurology, orthopedics, physical diagnosis, radiology, biomechanics, palpation, adjusting technique, laboratory interpretation, & physical therapy.

In order to qualify for graduation from chiropractic school, the student must undergo a one-year externship under the direct supervision of an attending chiropractic physician.

In order to qualify for a state license to practice, a chiropractor must first have successfully passed four levels of national board examinations - as administered by the National Board of Chiropractic Examiners (NBCE). NBCE part 1 is basic science knowledge; NBCE part II is clinical science knowledge; NBCE part III is advanced clinical science written exam; NBCE part IV is an exhaustive, day-long practical examination which tests the chiropractor in all areas of diagnosis, x-ray interpretation, and adjusting.

After having graduated from chiropractic college (and being conferred the degree of D.C. or "Doctor of Chiropractic"), and after having taken and passed NBCE boards (parts I-IV), the chiropractor may then apply for a state license.

The majority of chiropractors concern themselves with the diagnosis and treatment of musculoskeletal problems. Chiropractors are versatile in their approach. No two chiropractors practice exactly alike. There are over 250 different techniques, and each D.C. practices with a unique combination of one more more methods. But regardless of their technique, one thing which is similar to each chiropractor is their drug-free, surgery-free approach to healthcare.

Music Jokes

How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison? Shoot one.

What's the definition of a minor second? Two oboists playing in perfect
unison.

What's the difference between an oboe and an onion? No one cries when you
chop up an oboe.

What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline? You take off your
shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the bassoon recital.

Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard? So they can park in
the handicapped zones.

What is "perfect pitch?" When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without
hitting the rim.

What's the definition of a nerd? Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain? Gifted.

What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax? You can tune a
lawn mower, and the neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawn mower and don't
return it.

If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an
in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate you are
hallucinating.

How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax? Add vibrato.

How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb? Five: one to
handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much better they
could've done it.

How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn? Stick your hand in the
bell and play all the wrong notes.

What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead
country singer in the road?
The country singer might've been on his way to a recording session.

How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car? Take the
Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.

What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs? Year-at-a-glance

What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist
in the road?
Skid marks in front of the snake.

What's the range of a tuba? About twenty yards, if you have a good arm.

What's a tuba for? 1-1/2" by 3-1/2"

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A drummer.

What does a timpanist say when he gets to work? "Would you like fries with
that?"

What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test? Drool.

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They have
machines to do that now.

"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?" "Oh, about a half a beat behind
the drummer."

How can you tell when a drummer is at your door? The knock gets faster.

How do you get a rhythm guitarist to play softer? Give him music to read.

How long does a harp stay in tune? About twenty minutes, or until someone
opens the door.

How are a violinist's fingers like lightning? They rarely strike the same
spot twice.

How can you tell if a violin is out of tune? The bow is moving.

Why is a violinist like a scud missile? Both are offensive and inaccurate.

What do violists use for birth control? Their personalities.

How do you make a violin sound like a viola? Sit in the back and don't play.

What's the difference between a violist and a dog? The dog knows when to
stop scratching.

Did you hear about the violist who bragged he could play 32nd notes?The rest
of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.

Why are violins smaller than violas? They really are the same size, but the
violinists' heads are bigger.

What's the difference between a cello and a viola? The cello burns longer.

What's the difference between violists and terrorists? Terrorists have
sympathizers.

How do you make a cello sound beautiful? Sell it and buy a violin.

What's the difference between a cello and a coffin? The coffin has the
corpse inside.

Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes? So you don't have to
re-train the cellists.

Why did the string bass player get mad at the timpanist? He turned a peg and
wouldn't tell him which one.

One string bass player was so bad, even his section noticed.

How many string bass players does it take to change a lightbulb? None; the
piano player can do that with his left hand.

How do you put a twinkle in a soprano's eye? Shine a flashlight in her ear.

How does a soprano change a lightbulb? She just holds on and the world
revolves around her.

How can you tell when a soprano is at you door? She can't find the key, and
doesn't know when to come in.

How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb? None; they can't get up
that high.

If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end... it would
be a good idea.

Where's a tenor's resonance? Where his brain should be.

What's the definition of a male quartet? Three men and a tenor.

If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit
the ground first? Who cares?

What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer? The
sack.

What's the definition of an optimist? A choral director with a mortgage.

Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants? They've had so little
use.

A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm sorry,
he's dead," comes the reply. The musician calls back 25 times, always
getting the same reply form the receptionist. At last she asks
him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it."

Why do bagpipers walk when they play? To get away from the noise.

How many sound men does it take to change a lightbulb? "One, two, three;
one, two, three."

What's the definition of a gentleman? One who knows how to play the
accordion, but doesn't.

What's the definition of an optimist? An accordion player with a pager.

How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb? Five: one to
handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.

What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO? You can negotiate with
the PLO.