Music Jokes

How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison? Shoot one.

What's the definition of a minor second? Two oboists playing in perfect
unison.

What's the difference between an oboe and an onion? No one cries when you
chop up an oboe.

What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline? You take off your
shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the bassoon recital.

Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard? So they can park in
the handicapped zones.

What is "perfect pitch?" When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without
hitting the rim.

What's the definition of a nerd? Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain? Gifted.

What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax? You can tune a
lawn mower, and the neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawn mower and don't
return it.

If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an
in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate you are
hallucinating.

How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax? Add vibrato.

How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb? Five: one to
handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much better they
could've done it.

How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn? Stick your hand in the
bell and play all the wrong notes.

What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead
country singer in the road?
The country singer might've been on his way to a recording session.

How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car? Take the
Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.

What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs? Year-at-a-glance

What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist
in the road?
Skid marks in front of the snake.

What's the range of a tuba? About twenty yards, if you have a good arm.

What's a tuba for? 1-1/2" by 3-1/2"

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A drummer.

What does a timpanist say when he gets to work? "Would you like fries with
that?"

What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test? Drool.

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They have
machines to do that now.

"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?" "Oh, about a half a beat behind
the drummer."

How can you tell when a drummer is at your door? The knock gets faster.

How do you get a rhythm guitarist to play softer? Give him music to read.

How long does a harp stay in tune? About twenty minutes, or until someone
opens the door.

How are a violinist's fingers like lightning? They rarely strike the same
spot twice.

How can you tell if a violin is out of tune? The bow is moving.

Why is a violinist like a scud missile? Both are offensive and inaccurate.

What do violists use for birth control? Their personalities.

How do you make a violin sound like a viola? Sit in the back and don't play.

What's the difference between a violist and a dog? The dog knows when to
stop scratching.

Did you hear about the violist who bragged he could play 32nd notes?The rest
of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.

Why are violins smaller than violas? They really are the same size, but the
violinists' heads are bigger.

What's the difference between a cello and a viola? The cello burns longer.

What's the difference between violists and terrorists? Terrorists have
sympathizers.

How do you make a cello sound beautiful? Sell it and buy a violin.

What's the difference between a cello and a coffin? The coffin has the
corpse inside.

Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes? So you don't have to
re-train the cellists.

Why did the string bass player get mad at the timpanist? He turned a peg and
wouldn't tell him which one.

One string bass player was so bad, even his section noticed.

How many string bass players does it take to change a lightbulb? None; the
piano player can do that with his left hand.

How do you put a twinkle in a soprano's eye? Shine a flashlight in her ear.

How does a soprano change a lightbulb? She just holds on and the world
revolves around her.

How can you tell when a soprano is at you door? She can't find the key, and
doesn't know when to come in.

How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb? None; they can't get up
that high.

If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end... it would
be a good idea.

Where's a tenor's resonance? Where his brain should be.

What's the definition of a male quartet? Three men and a tenor.

If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit
the ground first? Who cares?

What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer? The
sack.

What's the definition of an optimist? A choral director with a mortgage.

Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants? They've had so little
use.

A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm sorry,
he's dead," comes the reply. The musician calls back 25 times, always
getting the same reply form the receptionist. At last she asks
him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it."

Why do bagpipers walk when they play? To get away from the noise.

How many sound men does it take to change a lightbulb? "One, two, three;
one, two, three."

What's the definition of a gentleman? One who knows how to play the
accordion, but doesn't.

What's the definition of an optimist? An accordion player with a pager.

How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb? Five: one to
handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.

What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO? You can negotiate with
the PLO.